FIVE

it's been awhile since we last got along so well, tuesday was it? we even got to hang out with your cousin. i still know what i want but you're doing a good job of trying to make me let go and lose sight of us. i'm not saying that i don't feel anything for you because i know i do. i can't say that i'm done because i'm not. what i feel i wish i can throw it all away for you, to please you, give you what you want. thing is i just can't, i feel that i should be hating you for being rude and accept that you're trying to push me away but i can't, i still like you. i guess it's just the way i am or maybe you've had me from the start. i've lost so much trust and closed myself to everyone around me due to the one before. i've hid myself from everyone and started doing my own thing. hanging with other people from other places, running to get away until i met you again. but the point is that i opened up to you, trusted you so quickly, fell for you and dropped my guard for you. every time i was with you i felt safe and happy. after her, i was ruthless, careless and heartless to everyone and my surroundings but you changed that. you were the first person i've ever liked that i was so gentlemen-like to. opening doors, holding doors, pick you up and drive you to school. Even little things like waiting for you when you'd be locking the door or gave you a hand to pick you up when you'd sit on the ground to insisting to hold (your) stuff or insisting anything in general. you were different, i loved it. they way we were, the way i felt. i didn't mind anything, i don't feel you took advantage of my kindness but at the same time i knew i shouldn't have opened up to you but i did, watched myself falling to only get hurt. i remember writing a song for you "if you ask me to catch you when you falling it gone be a yes" it always flashes back to when i caught you when you fell the day of your cousin's birthday. sigh i guess it's all just a memory now huh? i'm thankful that you were there for me and that you cared to listen and help me with the troubles i had. i always thought you never cared and wanted you to show me that you did but i you did. my head wasn't screwed on tight to see that. sometimes you are just really strong and independent and don't show it but you'd hint me. i wish i can talk to you and tell you whatever is on my mind again but it's just not that simple no more. i feel weary every time we talk, things always end up as fights and arguments. i don't want this, i want the old us. i wish we could start all over again. you might not regret much but i do. this is not what i intended things to be. i was insecure but every time we're together you make me feel that you weren't going anywhere. i miss how much you cared or somewhat showed it. remember when i used to be insecure and you'd ask me if i trust you? i said yes and you'd say "then they shouldn't matter." now i feel so empty. i don't want to say i'm heart broken but it's just really sad to see how we are now. who know's what i'm feeling is called. emptiness, lonely, distanced, sad heck maybe it is broken. when i read something you write i gasp for breath cause it hurts. you don't even want to talk to me or nothing. i'm feeling hurt everywhere i go, whoever i may be with. from zoning out to leaving the room to sitting there feeling the tears building up. i don't want this but i can't have what i want so what do i do? it's obvious you don't feel the same no more. i just don't know what to do anymore, once again i'm running away. i can't handle it, you want your space and for me to leave you alone so i'm going v-city. the things i been doing lately haven't showed you anything? do you even know how i been lately? no you don't, i'm always thinking about you, about us. i haven't been doing much to get you back because it seems like you don't even care no more, like you don't want it. if i tried you'd probably get more upset and mad thus i feel like i shouldn't try no more. don't get me wrong. if i let this go, i'll be able to do what you want which is to leave you alone and fuck off. but it doesn't mean my feelings for you is dead or gone..