SEVEN

call it love or infatuation. i was never able to give up me or my heart. but to pour it out to you and only you was a big part of me. having the chance to being broken or hurt. this is how i feel, this is how i felt. this was what i was afraid of but i followed my heart, which lead me up to you. i may be drunk of i maybe i'm me, but i'm doing what i can to say just how i feel. i haven't been open and i haven't been healed. until i met you i felt everything was good and real. it took a lot for me to open but not with you. i always trusted you, you've opened me up form long before i knew but things changed when i fell for you. i tried and i tried but i couldn't help it i couldn't keep away from you. so say that i'm drunk or say that i'm stupid but i been holding myself back from saying i love you.

SIX

home sweet home. i enjoyed bc while it lasted. it could've been better but what can i do, i can't completely block someone from my mind. if you want to be friends then we'll be friends. it slipped my mind how i wont even be able to blog about you or how i feel because like i said "you'll never know.." but who knows. things could've ended off better then how it's being left. i understand you and i need time which is why i keep getting the fuck off. you enjoyed yourself and i will enjoy me. i don't even know how you feel anymore, yeah you don't like me but do you really care about what i'm thinking, what's going on with me? you told me to think what i want but i don't want to. we're friends now, can't you just show me that you care or not? it saves more time and saves the trouble. i didn't even know if i should tell you i was coming back cause i didn't know if you were even interested in knowing or not. i've put us and our problems on the side and haven't talked to you like you asked me to but when we do talk it's either i feel as if you get mad cause still, nothing's going anywhere. every thing's still left there but i don't know, aren't we "just friends" now? a lot has been going through my mind lately and i just wish we were how we were in the beginning. you'd know something was wrong and would ask me. i wish you'd ask me what's wrong because there's a lot. at the same time, i don't know how much to tell you and talk to you cause you told me not to talk to you and we aren't on good terms. i want to tell you so many things but you been pretty much doing you and you seem to be caught up with them two. i wish things would go back to the beginning when we'd ask and talk about what was wrong and were on good terms. everything feels wrong. who know, maybe i should move to calgary. oh, you probably didn't know that cause i didn't know if i should even tell you. sigh where's my friend when i need her i ask myself. can't sleep, can't eat, can't think straight and on top of that i'm on the verge of getting so fucked for every up coming event. i don't feel like dancing with other people for any jams but does it even matter now? cause you're long gone...

on the other hand coming back to tdot and going out right away to hang out with everyone was fun. sure i got pwned but i had myself a real smile and a real laugh for that time period. wow tp, we known each other for 5 years and yesterday (8279) was our first hug! we'll have our second hug another 5 years from now lol. it started out as you running towards me from far, i thought it'd be funny to run to you with open arms and then reject you but even when i turn and ran, you ran after me and so it ended up as two idiots running around in the parking lot. i didn't want to break out record but i was getting tired so BAM -_-. yes, i can pick you up. you aren't heavy. it then went on to ml for our first hugs but failed lol. anyways as i was going home at like 1 am or so i hopped off the bus to walk into my neighborhood. everyone who knows where i live knows how far of a walk it is from the bus stops to my house. so as i got off the bus, i was the only person in the area. i crossed the street towards the dentist place and no one was infront of me and i looked behind, there was also no one and continued my way. as i was listening to my ipod i took one ear out to hear my text alert due to texting and i heard a noise form behind me and some guy was walking right behind me. he seemed drunk and i wondered where the fuck he came from cause i was the only one on the entire block. so as i was texting i heard his foot steps come closer and closer so i walked faster and decided to call ml. scared shitless i was telling ml what was happening in viet. i heard his foot steps getting louder so i looked back and he started mumbling something to me. he was walking like he was drunk, mind you it was dark, chilly and he was wearing dark clothes. ml told me to cross the street but the other side had no side walk but told me to cross anyways so i did. looking back to "see" if there was any "cars" he was also slowly crossing the street as i did. that's when i told ml i'm going to go so i could call my brother. when he picked up i felt a sigh of relief but at the same time was hoping he was home which he was. from the very beginning i spoke to him in viet saying his viet name and everything. i told him that i was near the stop sign and i heard him say loudly to someone in a worried rushed voice "some guy's following my sister!" i heard him quickly rushing out but my phone was dying and it went silent. as i was walked towards my house i looked back so i could cross back to the other side, the creeper also crossed back. i then was turning the corner curb, started walking towards my house and saw my brother rushing out of the drive way with his girlfriend in a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. i knew i was then safe and i still looked back to see where the guy was and i didn't see him. he had slowed down. as i came closer and closer to my brother and his gf, i told them what happened and asked if they saw him walked by cause close to the turn he slowed down alot. his gf didn't see the creepy guy but my brother saw him walking by. it was the first creepy experience i felt walking home. his gf told me to be careful and not to walk home aline so late. after that i kind of felt a missing piece falling back into place. even though i have my days with my brother where we'd bitch or be a bitch or deadly fight, he still had my back and i still have his. just like when we were much younger. we always had each others back, if one gets beatings the other would too. same with his gf, we have our days but we still watch out for each other and have each others back. it's funny how things work but i call it family, i call it love. the meaning for me was lost, i focused it on something differently because i started looking for love in a person. i end up getting hurt or fucking myself over but, although my family is messed up and apart we still love, care, worry, watch out for one another. at the end of everyday we still have each other even if we don't make the best decisions or show it. at the end of the day it's home where i'm back at. my family's my home, my family's my heart..

- p.s rest in peace grandpa.

FIVE

it's been awhile since we last got along so well, tuesday was it? we even got to hang out with your cousin. i still know what i want but you're doing a good job of trying to make me let go and lose sight of us. i'm not saying that i don't feel anything for you because i know i do. i can't say that i'm done because i'm not. what i feel i wish i can throw it all away for you, to please you, give you what you want. thing is i just can't, i feel that i should be hating you for being rude and accept that you're trying to push me away but i can't, i still like you. i guess it's just the way i am or maybe you've had me from the start. i've lost so much trust and closed myself to everyone around me due to the one before. i've hid myself from everyone and started doing my own thing. hanging with other people from other places, running to get away until i met you again. but the point is that i opened up to you, trusted you so quickly, fell for you and dropped my guard for you. every time i was with you i felt safe and happy. after her, i was ruthless, careless and heartless to everyone and my surroundings but you changed that. you were the first person i've ever liked that i was so gentlemen-like to. opening doors, holding doors, pick you up and drive you to school. Even little things like waiting for you when you'd be locking the door or gave you a hand to pick you up when you'd sit on the ground to insisting to hold (your) stuff or insisting anything in general. you were different, i loved it. they way we were, the way i felt. i didn't mind anything, i don't feel you took advantage of my kindness but at the same time i knew i shouldn't have opened up to you but i did, watched myself falling to only get hurt. i remember writing a song for you "if you ask me to catch you when you falling it gone be a yes" it always flashes back to when i caught you when you fell the day of your cousin's birthday. sigh i guess it's all just a memory now huh? i'm thankful that you were there for me and that you cared to listen and help me with the troubles i had. i always thought you never cared and wanted you to show me that you did but i you did. my head wasn't screwed on tight to see that. sometimes you are just really strong and independent and don't show it but you'd hint me. i wish i can talk to you and tell you whatever is on my mind again but it's just not that simple no more. i feel weary every time we talk, things always end up as fights and arguments. i don't want this, i want the old us. i wish we could start all over again. you might not regret much but i do. this is not what i intended things to be. i was insecure but every time we're together you make me feel that you weren't going anywhere. i miss how much you cared or somewhat showed it. remember when i used to be insecure and you'd ask me if i trust you? i said yes and you'd say "then they shouldn't matter." now i feel so empty. i don't want to say i'm heart broken but it's just really sad to see how we are now. who know's what i'm feeling is called. emptiness, lonely, distanced, sad heck maybe it is broken. when i read something you write i gasp for breath cause it hurts. you don't even want to talk to me or nothing. i'm feeling hurt everywhere i go, whoever i may be with. from zoning out to leaving the room to sitting there feeling the tears building up. i don't want this but i can't have what i want so what do i do? it's obvious you don't feel the same no more. i just don't know what to do anymore, once again i'm running away. i can't handle it, you want your space and for me to leave you alone so i'm going v-city. the things i been doing lately haven't showed you anything? do you even know how i been lately? no you don't, i'm always thinking about you, about us. i haven't been doing much to get you back because it seems like you don't even care no more, like you don't want it. if i tried you'd probably get more upset and mad thus i feel like i shouldn't try no more. don't get me wrong. if i let this go, i'll be able to do what you want which is to leave you alone and fuck off. but it doesn't mean my feelings for you is dead or gone..

FOUR

How ironic that my fourth note happens to have four people in it. L1, M1, M2, L 2. Past, present and future. As if three people wasn't enough life had to kick in another person LOL great. Lets start from the beginning.

- L 1 & M1. You two never met each other until when? Oh yes, the day I introduced you two. I'm happy that you two kicked it off well. Reminder; that friendship I had with the both of you separately before you two met. L1, you knew M1 was my homie. M1, you knew what was good with me and L1. L1, from time you kept on telling me you missed me and all that shit and told me nothing was going on. I believed you and it doesn't matter but what does was that you kept on lying to me and denying everything? M1, you were a homie to me. We never got into any fights and arguments or fucked each other over. Yet there you are asking all your friends if you should tell me instead of hiding it from me? They all told you to tell me before I figure out on my own and get fucking mad but you still don't have the nerves to tell me yourself. You have the nerves to do shit and hide it from me but not have the guts to tell me or stand your ground about it? Seriously, you two are bullshit story flippas foreal. L1, do you know how many times I caught you lying or flipping the story around? I couldn't say nothing because it would've made everything more complicated and drag more people in the situation. Seriously you got some drama problem man, just simply be real and tell the truth. It's like every little thing you would lie about. M1, we never hid shit from each other but you feel the need for this shit? So much for being real, people Remember the days when you'd tell me to "get that, tap that, you getting at that?" No, it's not like that. Do you know frustrated I got when I kept hearing that from you? I'm not trying to get "that" from anyone. I wanted them for who they were and how they were. Not for what they got or how good they are, like seriously. I guess you look at the ladies differently from the way I do. If you want to "tap that" or "get that" then you go do that. It's not disrespect that you're getting at my leftovers but that you're lying to me about it and can't tell me? Confront me? Yes we are through but the least you can do is respect what she wanted when she said so or at least respected OUR friendship. You two can fuck off and do you. L1, you didn't even look at me but had your focus on each other and later on kissing up on my ass, fuck off. I already asked you what the fuck are you doing. M1, you deny and deny right to my face. Both you fucks were there and just separately denying it and lying to my face. I'm done with you shits, once I introduced you guys, did I get shit? No. You guys hit it off and fucking left me on my own. It's like my girl was with me and left with my best girl. I know how frustrating, messed and fucked that shit is now thanks to you two. Notice how I stopped going to you guys, checking up on you two and calling you guys out to chill? Maybe it was because you guys had each fucking other, fucked me over and left me there.

- M2, what do I say. We hit it off great. The sparks, flirting, infatuation, the vibe, the times sent together, everything was just awesome. We later on slowly hitting a down fall and although I know I want to be the one, I can't. I guess you're right, I'm not sure of what you want because you yourself don't know what you want. I paused after reading that you didn't want to make it work but what ever happens happens right? Looking for hope and finding that chance to prove that you're the one I want to be with and that no one else had shit on you. I can tell you right now you taught me a lot in so little time. I'm pretty sure I can say, you're probably the most realest, honest, down to earth person I've ever met and that's what I absolutely love about you. Maybe we can work things out or maybe we can't but I hurts to see what I had is slowly slipping from my grasp. The hours spent just laying there talking is something I wont forget because never was I able to lay in bed for five or six hours talking and talking without doze off, losing interest or getting bored. Every time I spent with you were priceless and memorable. Seeing you happy, smiling, dropping you off at school and picking you up or when I'd walk you to school those mornings. I loved it then and miss it now. I haven't been so open to you lately due to how we been lately but I know I can if only you were always there and we were good. I hope we can fix this, if not then at least you'll be happy right? I don't want you to pity me nor drag me on. At the same time I'm unsure of what I'll be ok with you doing. I agree with what you said about feeling distanced. I feel like I lost a best friend, we were so close, so good, so open and free. You're really different from the rest, special and unique. If you have to think about it then do so and take your time, I'll respect what you want if you're sure that's what you want. I know I can turn to you and soon will but it's just been so hectic with us that's why I can't even find the right time to open up to you. You know I'll always be here. You were there for me in the past and I'll be there for you now and he future.

- L2, man it's been long since we've talked and caught up with each other. I don't know if it's such a good idea right now though because I don't really want to put myself in that situation. I have my mind, eyes and "heart" locked and I don't need anymore stress or problems to pile up on top of each other because I already have a lot to deal with already. I don't even think I can open up to you anymore, it's just so different. You flirt and act like we have a thing going on and I don't want you to think that. I don't want to stop talking to you but the truth is that the this has got to stop. I don't want to get into anything with you, I just want to be good friends as we were before in our school days. I don't have much to say because we're good I guess but don't get all mad and shit like you're my girlfriend because you're not. I don't want to hurt you because I've hurt too many people already by falling to easily and fucking around but thing is I changed and you got to change your act back to when we were just good friends. I always had your back and looked out for you but I wasn't looking for anything to happen and am still not.

Overall I feel betrayed, back stabbed, distanced, alone, used and afraid/scared. I just want what it was, what I had. I wish I could go back to do things over again and correct them but truth is I can't. I can only stay here or take a step forward and see where it leads me. Every corner I turn is like a dead end. It's being held in until I can't take it no more, until I erupt. I'm tired of being the nice, friendly, good guy that everyone turns to for favours and shit. You don't need me until you want or need something from me. This isn't to any of you four but I'm just saying it to others, about how I feel. I keep letting myself get fucked over, played, used and taken as a joke.