ELEVEN

lazy update.. now there's a shit load going on lately but i wont tell all. i want to start this blog update by paying respects to the recent lost of a friend, Rest In Peace TDP. for the past month or so, everything's just been piling up again. why's it that every time one thing goes wrong, more things just add on and pile up? is it cause i let it? family, friends, money, losts, love, trust.. everything seems to be so hard for me to maintain, maybe it's cause i'm putting my mind way too much into something that i shouldn't be. i don't think i'm over thinking things, but i do feel as if i'm slowly losing everything.

family -
dad; even though you know my number from the last time we talked about a month and a half ago? which was the first time we talked in over a year, it was a bit emotional but since then, i haven't gotten a word from you. maybe it's my laggy ass cell which i hope it is.. mom; it's been two weeks, no call? have you finally given up? but why still mad when i called to check up? bro; we've lost touch. we used to burn at night and were close, then all you started to do was bitch at everything the days i'd be home. lending you my prada cell for 3-4 months cause your iphone was stolen and i get not one bit of an appreciation for what i've done for you, all that i've ever done for you? family; everyone's just off doing our own thing, no one's ever home eating dinner together, talking, asking how things are, family is losing it's meaning from time. but when i was home, helping out and everything, it'd be me trying to keep us together. helping mom out, doing what she asks and say so that we don't fight and fuss. taking in the shit my bro gives me so that we don't fight. i take in so much being the youngest in the family all my life, so that we don't fight and argue. all i took in built up as i grew up and trust me, it fucking gets to me..

friends -
the recent lost of a friend made me think more lately. like, how important someone is to you but you never really get the time to see that. sometimes, it's too late and when it is, you're left feeling like shit. we fight and argue and lose sight of how close we were and grateful to have one another. they say; when something beautiful ends, you're suppose to be happy it ever even happened. but how can you be happy when you just saw the person that meant the most fade away, walk out your life or is gone? the one that's played such a big part in your life for a short time or a long period. the one that's made an impact on you and taught you so much. who do you turn to, talk to, open up to when you need someone? it's true, you never really know what you have until it's gone and you never know the impact and importance of one until they're gone.
for one, i've had this amazing friendship since the end of '09 and an amazing start to '10 but i'm seeing it fade each day, and i'm hating it. i hate the fact that it doesn't get better, or if it does, something goes wrong. but enough about that..
of course i've become distant from many people; sauga, btown, wnf, jnf, woodbridge. doesn't mean i still don't think about how close we were, the things we did and the bond we had. you guys know me well, i don't forget these things. they're the hardest to let go. i dislike the fact that i started to lose contact and drift away from everyone cause i get so caught up. i know some of you are still trying to be there for me every time you see me down, but i push everyone away. i'm stubborn and hard headed, you know by now. after everything, if i still haven't changed that then just accept it. the day i come running to you, either push me away like i've pushed you when you were trying to be there for me or just allow it and be there for me. there are times where i really try to connect back with everyone, but then i just lose my focus again. so many times i say things that i do or wouldn't do, but turn back on it. lately there's been two main people who probably feels that i been pushing them away. one, used to be so important to me and i couldn't live a day without talking to. yes, the ex. the other i was close to for a short period but things happened, you probably feel as though i'm pushing you away constantly but i bet you're not the only one cause trust me. i haven't been opening up to anyone, i've been so closed off about everything. i know i've been ungrateful to those who's helped me lately, giving me a place to stay, food to eat, giving me the chance to clear my mind, taking me away from my trouble and a smile to lighten up my days. but it's just been so hard and i apologize for losing sight of what you've given me. with how i'm feeling towards the person i like, that will be closed off as well. well this will be the end. i don't think anyone really got much out of this but it's whatever just to release a bit off my mind.
i just wonder; mp, will we ever be good again? mn, will we ever be like besties again? mom, will things go back to normal? life, can things get better soon? lv, will we ever work on our promise we made to each other on new years? i miss everything and i guess it's unfair to say but i'm still there for you, even if i push you away, i guess i should expect them same back.

TEN

Good morning world! I know I haven't got the chance to update this in a while but life's been pretty busy. But sunday mornings like these are the ones that make me feel best at home and somewhat brings me back those childhood memories. So last night I came home around 3am from a friends birthday. I had myself a good time and I got to see everyone I haven't seen in a long time that I used to always be with, especially the the birthday girl herself. I didn't see her since January that I last recall. So when I came home I felt a little grateful for everything and all my friends which led me singing along to a song that came up, we're in heaven the slow version. I which then decided to make a singing video, mind you this was in the middle of the night. It's not my best but I'm not sure if I'm going to redo it or just upload it raw, but I'm planning to post it up after my house track I wrote sometime last week one night and recorded the next day. Some reason I'm not really satisfy with it no more, the lyrics seems a bit weak but meh. Holly crap, friday I had a good time. First I went to teashop then waited for someone to reach so we can head to basement. We were the first to get there so that was pretty loaft and my phone was dying so I couldn't do much. But when people started coming, I was already starting my trip. Then around 3 or 4am that's when almost everyone came. I honestly saw so many people came that I haven't seen in so long and the ones I used to hang out with last year. It was awesome, I was happy. But by the end of the night, I was exhausted, drained, hot, dehydrated and sweating bricks. I thank my cv, jnf fam for watching out for me and tending to me needs like she always has. Oh and I forgot to mention how awkward it was for me that my bro came, but right before we all left I went to coat check to get my jacket and felt it coming out. Once I turned around a bit came out and I head towards the washroom, went in the biggest stall there and yakked right in the garbage bin. I heard cv calling out my name and couldn't even answer cause it was just coming out. When I responded she said everyone was leaving (jnf fam). Had to drop off four people so that took awhile to get home ourselves, bro had to wake me up. Once we were about to go in I told him if mom asks say that he picked me up from dt cause I told her I was going to be karaoking dt at a friends condo... Lmfao again next week hopefully for ht and bn's birthday. Besides from the recent stuff I finally got to talk to him and he was understanding about me not going to school and told me he can't force me to do something I don't want and that doesn't make me happy. I can't go to school if my mind isn't set on that and I miss him so much but it was good to talk to him and hear his voice, Free NTH. Hmm what else is new... Girls girls girls, I'm just going to let lose and let the girl do her while I do me. I can't continue to hold on or chase someone if it's wrong or even if it's right. I don't got time for games. Damn I need to find my sin card to get a job. Winter plans are still in tact, summer next year hopeful I can go with him too. Even though he's an ass sometimes, he still means a lot and I know we love each other. Overall, I've been thinking and staying positive lately and it's been doing me well or even better. I'm becoming happy with life. I want to reconnect with all my friends from every region and balance it all out. Well, that's enough for now. I'm fuggin hungry! Bye world :)

NINE

1. Rest In Peace -
in about thirteen days, it will be my first year without you. after you passed away, i had so much guilt built up in me. i felt nothing but regret, guilt, pain and tears. i blamed myself for not going when i had the chance to go. i blame myself for being bad and selfish when you only wanted the best for me and for me to do well. i had the chance to see you one last time, but of course i was too selfish. so much for family first. i'm disappointed in myself and still am. it's going to be hard for me to make peace with it and forgive myself for my choices and actions. i wish i could turn back time, for that was my biggest regret. they tell me to let go, make peace with it and that you'd want me to be happy. but how can i be? we miss you so much. i miss the mornings where i'd wake up to see you coming home from your morning exercise playing tennis, your favourite sport. maybe that's where why my mom always watches tennis, cause you... times where you'd make jokes and look out for me and tell me to come sit with the family for dinner. family is slowly losing it's meaning here. everyone's doing their own thing, whenever and where ever. mom's always out, dad's not coming back anytime soon, brother's just doing his own thing. i'm struggling everyday with something, trying to stay in school everyday and being good. since this year started, i've been doing so much better than i was in the past two, three years. with skipping, drugs, alcohol, school and fighting. i've change for the better and you have a great effect on that. i miss you grandpa..

2. Badungs & Friends -
first of all i'd like to thank and appreciate everyone for everything they've done for me. from helping me out with whatever it may be, dealing with me when i'm being stubborn and hard headed. i know i have a tendency to not drop or cut people but to slowly drift away, but if you really know me then you know that i'd always be there. i fade away because i get caught up, i'm busy, dealing with stuff, fall for someone or hanging out with another crowd. but that doesn't mean that i've replaced anyone. i'm pretty sure you know who you guys are. to this one girl, you've always made me feel good and proud about myself. you've always looked up and respected me knowing my pride of in-dependancy and how hard it is for me to ask for help and favours or anything at all. to the newer faces i've recently met or got close to, you guys have been amazing, fun, accepting, supportive and caring. every minute isn't wasted when we're all together, even if we're loafting. i appreciate all the help and everything you guys have done for me in this short period of time. thanks everyone for the smile that's on my face everyday. to those who know me a bit longer, you know at one point i've became really independent. you guys would always tell me it's not good to bottle my emotions and all i would do is push you away and not want to talk about it. i've learned really well to bottle my emotions and act as if everything's fine. even if i take the hard road and not listen, just let me be and let me learn the hard way. i never ask anyone for anything, when i do. it takes ALOT for me to. i'm too forgiving and kind and people have taken advantage of that, but not any of you guys have yet done me wrong. i don't know what else to say but thanks for everything.. i got yall.

3. Eww Em -
one, two, three.. three's your favourite number right? funny, i seem to be the third part to this sequel. i've sat back to watch the first two shows. others may not understand and talk all the shit they did but i saw your point of view and understood you. i guess that's one reason for the strong feelings i've gained for you since december? i'm stuck with what i want to say right now because i don't know what to say, it's so hard for me to open up how i feel about someone. you've always made me feel nervous, the first time was when you gave me back my phone i lent out and kept the earphones for yourself haha. why was i nervous? cause we started talking very late at night four hours almost every night and i became nervous and shy for when the day to come to see you, face you and hang out with you, shit... and that was before opd too... it's different i guess, with being on the comp and in person. i know, it's stupid and childish but i don't know how or why you make me feel this way, boss shy.. you're the only person that has my heart at the moment and i promise you that believe it or not. you're the only one i'm feeling and is able to give me, that tingly feeling and goose bumps.... lol. you're the only one that's stuck on my mind every day and night. i hardly sleep cause i rather be up talking to you, why do you think i stay up talking to you or stay on the phone with you almost any time of day even late at night at 2-6am or even til i have to hang up to go to school or in class... or atleast the days we used to.. i miss it... you asked many times what it is that i like about you. i told you before but it's hard for you to believe me and i don't blame you. trust is a hard thing to earn. but all i can do is try to make you see and eventually believe me. i admit to you, that something told me to drop you cause i was afraid of being hurt and dropped. i didn't want to be waiting for you to come around only to drop me. but i went against myself, blocked off my friends opinions, warnings or heads up and held on to you. even if they were just trying to look out for me. i took that risk when i chose to stay and i guess we both took a chance coming into this, relationship... i'm thankful for the chance you've given me. i want you to see the things i have to offer and show you a new perspective of how you may or can feel. show you that maybe, i'm different. not just casue i don't have no balls. but in the way i can treat you, look at you and respect you. show you how well i can treat you, make you happy, be the the first different relationship you'll have. i look at you differently. you've told me before you like my response of what i see in you, what i feel towards you. because it's not like every other persons responses, it's different. i'm different from them. i'm glad you see that. yeah you've given people chances and it didn't work out and for you to give me a chance means a lot. and sure, there are things i dislike about you but not once have i ever tried to change you because it's who you are, what you do and i can't change that. i like you for you and i'm not going to change anything about you. like you said, going into this we already know that there are going to be somethings we have to give up. i'm willing to do that. i don't really know where i'm trying to go with this and got distracted.. i don't know if you're missing this picture that people who knows me and myself sees but i've really fallen for you. if you can't see that, ask them or "open your eyes!" everyday i try to make your stubborn hard headed brain happy and smile. if your sister can see it, maybe you will eventually. it feels good to hear her say the things she does about us or how i treat you or how happy you seem to be. becaue it's nice to know that i'm maknig you happy. sometimes you're hard to read casue it's hard for you to open up and talk about the situation, i'd have to bring it up but you've slowly been dealing with the problems and telling me and showing me what bugs you and it makes me happy to see that you're starting to show yo care. just sometimes, you don't show it in the best ways... all i'm saying is that this isn't just a fling, rebound or just some girl. we both came into this knowing we weren't looking for anyting serious and we didn't want to settle down. but to me, that's changed. i'm sure you can agree with me? i took a risk knowing full well what i got myself into and i'm surprise where it took us. it's about chances right? i don't want to lose you, atleast not yet. i've held on and stuck around through a lot just to give up and let go so easily. i've always respected you. i'll respect what you want and the decisions you make even if i don't agree on them. if it's what you want to do or if it's what makes you feel right then go ahead. i can't say those three words that everyone throws out but i can replace them with three other words... lets get naked. LOL kidding.... the three words; i adore you.. <3

EIGHT

Happy Birthday To Me! it's been a while that i updated my blog. i've closed my feelings for a while but i must update today because it's my birthday. so i partied hard last night and did it up big thanks to my good friends who booked a hotel at the hilton hotel downtown. turned 18 on the 18th floor in room 1818. what are the fucking odds of that? lol. had a blast even though part of my night was blank. i think the devil within me was living last night cause i do not remember anything but i'm being told all these stories lol. it's so weird but funny. got many birthday kisses from everyone and although it was a rough beginning due to lcbo and not being able to book the hotel to someone being there that i didn't want and getting into an argument with someone, things turned the other way around and i had a blast. best birthday i've probably ever had, even if i don't remember half the things that happened. best part of the night was when i was coming back from bringing people up to the room. it was almost 12am. when they opened the door, first thing i saw was her standing there with her hands out holding me a hagen daaz strawberry cheesecake ice cream with a bunch of candles on it "surprise, happy birthday!" with everyone behind her. even though i was so shit faced, i'll always remember that one moment. turns out when she said she went for a walk and that she was puking, she went to go buy me that. in the end there was no spoon to eat it, so it melted and apparently i put it in the safety lock cause i thought it was a fridge? lol. i did more crazy shit then i thought or remember doing, both arms are bruised as hell. my lips are swollen and hurts, my eyes feel cracked out and my jaw and tongue hurts. felt so shitty this afternoon so i went home to rest then was about to come back out to do sushi and karaoke but boy oh boy i was in no condition for that. all in all i had an amazing night thanks to all my friends and those who made this happen and came out last night <3

SEVEN

call it love or infatuation. i was never able to give up me or my heart. but to pour it out to you and only you was a big part of me. having the chance to being broken or hurt. this is how i feel, this is how i felt. this was what i was afraid of but i followed my heart, which lead me up to you. i may be drunk of i maybe i'm me, but i'm doing what i can to say just how i feel. i haven't been open and i haven't been healed. until i met you i felt everything was good and real. it took a lot for me to open but not with you. i always trusted you, you've opened me up form long before i knew but things changed when i fell for you. i tried and i tried but i couldn't help it i couldn't keep away from you. so say that i'm drunk or say that i'm stupid but i been holding myself back from saying i love you.