1. Rest In Peace -
in about thirteen days, it will be my first year without you. after you passed away, i had so much guilt built up in me. i felt nothing but regret, guilt, pain and tears. i blamed myself for not going when i had the chance to go. i blame myself for being bad and selfish when you only wanted the best for me and for me to do well. i had the chance to see you one last time, but of course i was too selfish. so much for family first. i'm disappointed in myself and still am. it's going to be hard for me to make peace with it and forgive myself for my choices and actions. i wish i could turn back time, for that was my biggest regret. they tell me to let go, make peace with it and that you'd want me to be happy. but how can i be? we miss you so much. i miss the mornings where i'd wake up to see you coming home from your morning exercise playing tennis, your favourite sport. maybe that's where why my mom always watches tennis, cause you... times where you'd make jokes and look out for me and tell me to come sit with the family for dinner. family is slowly losing it's meaning here. everyone's doing their own thing, whenever and where ever. mom's always out, dad's not coming back anytime soon, brother's just doing his own thing. i'm struggling everyday with something, trying to stay in school everyday and being good. since this year started, i've been doing so much better than i was in the past two, three years. with skipping, drugs, alcohol, school and fighting. i've change for the better and you have a great effect on that. i miss you grandpa..
2. Badungs & Friends -
first of all i'd like to thank and appreciate everyone for everything they've done for me. from helping me out with whatever it may be, dealing with me when i'm being stubborn and hard headed. i know i have a tendency to not drop or cut people but to slowly drift away, but if you really know me then you know that i'd always be there. i fade away because i get caught up, i'm busy, dealing with stuff, fall for someone or hanging out with another crowd. but that doesn't mean that i've replaced anyone. i'm pretty sure you know who you guys are. to this one girl, you've always made me feel good and proud about myself. you've always looked up and respected me knowing my pride of in-dependancy and how hard it is for me to ask for help and favours or anything at all. to the newer faces i've recently met or got close to, you guys have been amazing, fun, accepting, supportive and caring. every minute isn't wasted when we're all together, even if we're loafting. i appreciate all the help and everything you guys have done for me in this short period of time. thanks everyone for the smile that's on my face everyday. to those who know me a bit longer, you know at one point i've became really independent. you guys would always tell me it's not good to bottle my emotions and all i would do is push you away and not want to talk about it. i've learned really well to bottle my emotions and act as if everything's fine. even if i take the hard road and not listen, just let me be and let me learn the hard way. i never ask anyone for anything, when i do. it takes ALOT for me to. i'm too forgiving and kind and people have taken advantage of that, but not any of you guys have yet done me wrong. i don't know what else to say but thanks for everything.. i got yall.
3. Eww Em -
one, two, three.. three's your favourite number right? funny, i seem to be the third part to this sequel. i've sat back to watch the first two shows. others may not understand and talk all the shit they did but i saw your point of view and understood you. i guess that's one reason for the strong feelings i've gained for you since december? i'm stuck with what i want to say right now because i don't know what to say, it's so hard for me to open up how i feel about someone. you've always made me feel nervous, the first time was when you gave me back my phone i lent out and kept the earphones for yourself haha. why was i nervous? cause we started talking very late at night four hours almost every night and i became nervous and shy for when the day to come to see you, face you and hang out with you, shit... and that was before opd too... it's different i guess, with being on the comp and in person. i know, it's stupid and childish but i don't know how or why you make me feel this way, boss shy.. you're the only person that has my heart at the moment and i promise you that believe it or not. you're the only one i'm feeling and is able to give me, that tingly feeling and goose bumps.... lol. you're the only one that's stuck on my mind every day and night. i hardly sleep cause i rather be up talking to you, why do you think i stay up talking to you or stay on the phone with you almost any time of day even late at night at 2-6am or even til i have to hang up to go to school or in class... or atleast the days we used to.. i miss it... you asked many times what it is that i like about you. i told you before but it's hard for you to believe me and i don't blame you. trust is a hard thing to earn. but all i can do is try to make you see and eventually believe me. i admit to you, that something told me to drop you cause i was afraid of being hurt and dropped. i didn't want to be waiting for you to come around only to drop me. but i went against myself, blocked off my friends opinions, warnings or heads up and held on to you. even if they were just trying to look out for me. i took that risk when i chose to stay and i guess we both took a chance coming into this, relationship... i'm thankful for the chance you've given me. i want you to see the things i have to offer and show you a new perspective of how you may or can feel. show you that maybe, i'm different. not just casue i don't have no balls. but in the way i can treat you, look at you and respect you. show you how well i can treat you, make you happy, be the the first different relationship you'll have. i look at you differently. you've told me before you like my response of what i see in you, what i feel towards you. because it's not like every other persons responses, it's different. i'm different from them. i'm glad you see that. yeah you've given people chances and it didn't work out and for you to give me a chance means a lot. and sure, there are things i dislike about you but not once have i ever tried to change you because it's who you are, what you do and i can't change that. i like you for you and i'm not going to change anything about you. like you said, going into this we already know that there are going to be somethings we have to give up. i'm willing to do that. i don't really know where i'm trying to go with this and got distracted.. i don't know if you're missing this picture that people who knows me and myself sees but i've really fallen for you. if you can't see that, ask them or "open your eyes!" everyday i try to make your stubborn hard headed brain happy and smile. if your sister can see it, maybe you will eventually. it feels good to hear her say the things she does about us or how i treat you or how happy you seem to be. becaue it's nice to know that i'm maknig you happy. sometimes you're hard to read casue it's hard for you to open up and talk about the situation, i'd have to bring it up but you've slowly been dealing with the problems and telling me and showing me what bugs you and it makes me happy to see that you're starting to show yo care. just sometimes, you don't show it in the best ways... all i'm saying is that this isn't just a fling, rebound or just some girl. we both came into this knowing we weren't looking for anyting serious and we didn't want to settle down. but to me, that's changed. i'm sure you can agree with me? i took a risk knowing full well what i got myself into and i'm surprise where it took us. it's about chances right? i don't want to lose you, atleast not yet. i've held on and stuck around through a lot just to give up and let go so easily. i've always respected you. i'll respect what you want and the decisions you make even if i don't agree on them. if it's what you want to do or if it's what makes you feel right then go ahead. i can't say those three words that everyone throws out but i can replace them with three other words... lets get naked. LOL kidding.... the three words; i adore you.. <3