lazy update.. now there's a shit load going on lately but i wont tell all. i want to start this blog update by paying respects to the recent lost of a friend, Rest In Peace TDP. for the past month or so, everything's just been piling up again. why's it that every time one thing goes wrong, more things just add on and pile up? is it cause i let it? family, friends, money, losts, love, trust.. everything seems to be so hard for me to maintain, maybe it's cause i'm putting my mind way too much into something that i shouldn't be. i don't think i'm over thinking things, but i do feel as if i'm slowly losing everything.
family -
dad; even though you know my number from the last time we talked about a month and a half ago? which was the first time we talked in over a year, it was a bit emotional but since then, i haven't gotten a word from you. maybe it's my laggy ass cell which i hope it is.. mom; it's been two weeks, no call? have you finally given up? but why still mad when i called to check up? bro; we've lost touch. we used to burn at night and were close, then all you started to do was bitch at everything the days i'd be home. lending you my prada cell for 3-4 months cause your iphone was stolen and i get not one bit of an appreciation for what i've done for you, all that i've ever done for you? family; everyone's just off doing our own thing, no one's ever home eating dinner together, talking, asking how things are, family is losing it's meaning from time. but when i was home, helping out and everything, it'd be me trying to keep us together. helping mom out, doing what she asks and say so that we don't fight and fuss. taking in the shit my bro gives me so that we don't fight. i take in so much being the youngest in the family all my life, so that we don't fight and argue. all i took in built up as i grew up and trust me, it fucking gets to me..
friends -
the recent lost of a friend made me think more lately. like, how important someone is to you but you never really get the time to see that. sometimes, it's too late and when it is, you're left feeling like shit. we fight and argue and lose sight of how close we were and grateful to have one another. they say; when something beautiful ends, you're suppose to be happy it ever even happened. but how can you be happy when you just saw the person that meant the most fade away, walk out your life or is gone? the one that's played such a big part in your life for a short time or a long period. the one that's made an impact on you and taught you so much. who do you turn to, talk to, open up to when you need someone? it's true, you never really know what you have until it's gone and you never know the impact and importance of one until they're gone.
for one, i've had this amazing friendship since the end of '09 and an amazing start to '10 but i'm seeing it fade each day, and i'm hating it. i hate the fact that it doesn't get better, or if it does, something goes wrong. but enough about that..
of course i've become distant from many people; sauga, btown, wnf, jnf, woodbridge. doesn't mean i still don't think about how close we were, the things we did and the bond we had. you guys know me well, i don't forget these things. they're the hardest to let go. i dislike the fact that i started to lose contact and drift away from everyone cause i get so caught up. i know some of you are still trying to be there for me every time you see me down, but i push everyone away. i'm stubborn and hard headed, you know by now. after everything, if i still haven't changed that then just accept it. the day i come running to you, either push me away like i've pushed you when you were trying to be there for me or just allow it and be there for me. there are times where i really try to connect back with everyone, but then i just lose my focus again. so many times i say things that i do or wouldn't do, but turn back on it. lately there's been two main people who probably feels that i been pushing them away. one, used to be so important to me and i couldn't live a day without talking to. yes, the ex. the other i was close to for a short period but things happened, you probably feel as though i'm pushing you away constantly but i bet you're not the only one cause trust me. i haven't been opening up to anyone, i've been so closed off about everything. i know i've been ungrateful to those who's helped me lately, giving me a place to stay, food to eat, giving me the chance to clear my mind, taking me away from my trouble and a smile to lighten up my days. but it's just been so hard and i apologize for losing sight of what you've given me. with how i'm feeling towards the person i like, that will be closed off as well. well this will be the end. i don't think anyone really got much out of this but it's whatever just to release a bit off my mind.
i just wonder; mp, will we ever be good again? mn, will we ever be like besties again? mom, will things go back to normal? life, can things get better soon? lv, will we ever work on our promise we made to each other on new years? i miss everything and i guess it's unfair to say but i'm still there for you, even if i push you away, i guess i should expect them same back.