NINE

1. Rest In Peace -
in about thirteen days, it will be my first year without you. after you passed away, i had so much guilt built up in me. i felt nothing but regret, guilt, pain and tears. i blamed myself for not going when i had the chance to go. i blame myself for being bad and selfish when you only wanted the best for me and for me to do well. i had the chance to see you one last time, but of course i was too selfish. so much for family first. i'm disappointed in myself and still am. it's going to be hard for me to make peace with it and forgive myself for my choices and actions. i wish i could turn back time, for that was my biggest regret. they tell me to let go, make peace with it and that you'd want me to be happy. but how can i be? we miss you so much. i miss the mornings where i'd wake up to see you coming home from your morning exercise playing tennis, your favourite sport. maybe that's where why my mom always watches tennis, cause you... times where you'd make jokes and look out for me and tell me to come sit with the family for dinner. family is slowly losing it's meaning here. everyone's doing their own thing, whenever and where ever. mom's always out, dad's not coming back anytime soon, brother's just doing his own thing. i'm struggling everyday with something, trying to stay in school everyday and being good. since this year started, i've been doing so much better than i was in the past two, three years. with skipping, drugs, alcohol, school and fighting. i've change for the better and you have a great effect on that. i miss you grandpa..

2. Badungs & Friends -
first of all i'd like to thank and appreciate everyone for everything they've done for me. from helping me out with whatever it may be, dealing with me when i'm being stubborn and hard headed. i know i have a tendency to not drop or cut people but to slowly drift away, but if you really know me then you know that i'd always be there. i fade away because i get caught up, i'm busy, dealing with stuff, fall for someone or hanging out with another crowd. but that doesn't mean that i've replaced anyone. i'm pretty sure you know who you guys are. to this one girl, you've always made me feel good and proud about myself. you've always looked up and respected me knowing my pride of in-dependancy and how hard it is for me to ask for help and favours or anything at all. to the newer faces i've recently met or got close to, you guys have been amazing, fun, accepting, supportive and caring. every minute isn't wasted when we're all together, even if we're loafting. i appreciate all the help and everything you guys have done for me in this short period of time. thanks everyone for the smile that's on my face everyday. to those who know me a bit longer, you know at one point i've became really independent. you guys would always tell me it's not good to bottle my emotions and all i would do is push you away and not want to talk about it. i've learned really well to bottle my emotions and act as if everything's fine. even if i take the hard road and not listen, just let me be and let me learn the hard way. i never ask anyone for anything, when i do. it takes ALOT for me to. i'm too forgiving and kind and people have taken advantage of that, but not any of you guys have yet done me wrong. i don't know what else to say but thanks for everything.. i got yall.

3. Eww Em -
one, two, three.. three's your favourite number right? funny, i seem to be the third part to this sequel. i've sat back to watch the first two shows. others may not understand and talk all the shit they did but i saw your point of view and understood you. i guess that's one reason for the strong feelings i've gained for you since december? i'm stuck with what i want to say right now because i don't know what to say, it's so hard for me to open up how i feel about someone. you've always made me feel nervous, the first time was when you gave me back my phone i lent out and kept the earphones for yourself haha. why was i nervous? cause we started talking very late at night four hours almost every night and i became nervous and shy for when the day to come to see you, face you and hang out with you, shit... and that was before opd too... it's different i guess, with being on the comp and in person. i know, it's stupid and childish but i don't know how or why you make me feel this way, boss shy.. you're the only person that has my heart at the moment and i promise you that believe it or not. you're the only one i'm feeling and is able to give me, that tingly feeling and goose bumps.... lol. you're the only one that's stuck on my mind every day and night. i hardly sleep cause i rather be up talking to you, why do you think i stay up talking to you or stay on the phone with you almost any time of day even late at night at 2-6am or even til i have to hang up to go to school or in class... or atleast the days we used to.. i miss it... you asked many times what it is that i like about you. i told you before but it's hard for you to believe me and i don't blame you. trust is a hard thing to earn. but all i can do is try to make you see and eventually believe me. i admit to you, that something told me to drop you cause i was afraid of being hurt and dropped. i didn't want to be waiting for you to come around only to drop me. but i went against myself, blocked off my friends opinions, warnings or heads up and held on to you. even if they were just trying to look out for me. i took that risk when i chose to stay and i guess we both took a chance coming into this, relationship... i'm thankful for the chance you've given me. i want you to see the things i have to offer and show you a new perspective of how you may or can feel. show you that maybe, i'm different. not just casue i don't have no balls. but in the way i can treat you, look at you and respect you. show you how well i can treat you, make you happy, be the the first different relationship you'll have. i look at you differently. you've told me before you like my response of what i see in you, what i feel towards you. because it's not like every other persons responses, it's different. i'm different from them. i'm glad you see that. yeah you've given people chances and it didn't work out and for you to give me a chance means a lot. and sure, there are things i dislike about you but not once have i ever tried to change you because it's who you are, what you do and i can't change that. i like you for you and i'm not going to change anything about you. like you said, going into this we already know that there are going to be somethings we have to give up. i'm willing to do that. i don't really know where i'm trying to go with this and got distracted.. i don't know if you're missing this picture that people who knows me and myself sees but i've really fallen for you. if you can't see that, ask them or "open your eyes!" everyday i try to make your stubborn hard headed brain happy and smile. if your sister can see it, maybe you will eventually. it feels good to hear her say the things she does about us or how i treat you or how happy you seem to be. becaue it's nice to know that i'm maknig you happy. sometimes you're hard to read casue it's hard for you to open up and talk about the situation, i'd have to bring it up but you've slowly been dealing with the problems and telling me and showing me what bugs you and it makes me happy to see that you're starting to show yo care. just sometimes, you don't show it in the best ways... all i'm saying is that this isn't just a fling, rebound or just some girl. we both came into this knowing we weren't looking for anyting serious and we didn't want to settle down. but to me, that's changed. i'm sure you can agree with me? i took a risk knowing full well what i got myself into and i'm surprise where it took us. it's about chances right? i don't want to lose you, atleast not yet. i've held on and stuck around through a lot just to give up and let go so easily. i've always respected you. i'll respect what you want and the decisions you make even if i don't agree on them. if it's what you want to do or if it's what makes you feel right then go ahead. i can't say those three words that everyone throws out but i can replace them with three other words... lets get naked. LOL kidding.... the three words; i adore you.. <3

EIGHT

Happy Birthday To Me! it's been a while that i updated my blog. i've closed my feelings for a while but i must update today because it's my birthday. so i partied hard last night and did it up big thanks to my good friends who booked a hotel at the hilton hotel downtown. turned 18 on the 18th floor in room 1818. what are the fucking odds of that? lol. had a blast even though part of my night was blank. i think the devil within me was living last night cause i do not remember anything but i'm being told all these stories lol. it's so weird but funny. got many birthday kisses from everyone and although it was a rough beginning due to lcbo and not being able to book the hotel to someone being there that i didn't want and getting into an argument with someone, things turned the other way around and i had a blast. best birthday i've probably ever had, even if i don't remember half the things that happened. best part of the night was when i was coming back from bringing people up to the room. it was almost 12am. when they opened the door, first thing i saw was her standing there with her hands out holding me a hagen daaz strawberry cheesecake ice cream with a bunch of candles on it "surprise, happy birthday!" with everyone behind her. even though i was so shit faced, i'll always remember that one moment. turns out when she said she went for a walk and that she was puking, she went to go buy me that. in the end there was no spoon to eat it, so it melted and apparently i put it in the safety lock cause i thought it was a fridge? lol. i did more crazy shit then i thought or remember doing, both arms are bruised as hell. my lips are swollen and hurts, my eyes feel cracked out and my jaw and tongue hurts. felt so shitty this afternoon so i went home to rest then was about to come back out to do sushi and karaoke but boy oh boy i was in no condition for that. all in all i had an amazing night thanks to all my friends and those who made this happen and came out last night <3

SEVEN

call it love or infatuation. i was never able to give up me or my heart. but to pour it out to you and only you was a big part of me. having the chance to being broken or hurt. this is how i feel, this is how i felt. this was what i was afraid of but i followed my heart, which lead me up to you. i may be drunk of i maybe i'm me, but i'm doing what i can to say just how i feel. i haven't been open and i haven't been healed. until i met you i felt everything was good and real. it took a lot for me to open but not with you. i always trusted you, you've opened me up form long before i knew but things changed when i fell for you. i tried and i tried but i couldn't help it i couldn't keep away from you. so say that i'm drunk or say that i'm stupid but i been holding myself back from saying i love you.

SIX

home sweet home. i enjoyed bc while it lasted. it could've been better but what can i do, i can't completely block someone from my mind. if you want to be friends then we'll be friends. it slipped my mind how i wont even be able to blog about you or how i feel because like i said "you'll never know.." but who knows. things could've ended off better then how it's being left. i understand you and i need time which is why i keep getting the fuck off. you enjoyed yourself and i will enjoy me. i don't even know how you feel anymore, yeah you don't like me but do you really care about what i'm thinking, what's going on with me? you told me to think what i want but i don't want to. we're friends now, can't you just show me that you care or not? it saves more time and saves the trouble. i didn't even know if i should tell you i was coming back cause i didn't know if you were even interested in knowing or not. i've put us and our problems on the side and haven't talked to you like you asked me to but when we do talk it's either i feel as if you get mad cause still, nothing's going anywhere. every thing's still left there but i don't know, aren't we "just friends" now? a lot has been going through my mind lately and i just wish we were how we were in the beginning. you'd know something was wrong and would ask me. i wish you'd ask me what's wrong because there's a lot. at the same time, i don't know how much to tell you and talk to you cause you told me not to talk to you and we aren't on good terms. i want to tell you so many things but you been pretty much doing you and you seem to be caught up with them two. i wish things would go back to the beginning when we'd ask and talk about what was wrong and were on good terms. everything feels wrong. who know, maybe i should move to calgary. oh, you probably didn't know that cause i didn't know if i should even tell you. sigh where's my friend when i need her i ask myself. can't sleep, can't eat, can't think straight and on top of that i'm on the verge of getting so fucked for every up coming event. i don't feel like dancing with other people for any jams but does it even matter now? cause you're long gone...

on the other hand coming back to tdot and going out right away to hang out with everyone was fun. sure i got pwned but i had myself a real smile and a real laugh for that time period. wow tp, we known each other for 5 years and yesterday (8279) was our first hug! we'll have our second hug another 5 years from now lol. it started out as you running towards me from far, i thought it'd be funny to run to you with open arms and then reject you but even when i turn and ran, you ran after me and so it ended up as two idiots running around in the parking lot. i didn't want to break out record but i was getting tired so BAM -_-. yes, i can pick you up. you aren't heavy. it then went on to ml for our first hugs but failed lol. anyways as i was going home at like 1 am or so i hopped off the bus to walk into my neighborhood. everyone who knows where i live knows how far of a walk it is from the bus stops to my house. so as i got off the bus, i was the only person in the area. i crossed the street towards the dentist place and no one was infront of me and i looked behind, there was also no one and continued my way. as i was listening to my ipod i took one ear out to hear my text alert due to texting and i heard a noise form behind me and some guy was walking right behind me. he seemed drunk and i wondered where the fuck he came from cause i was the only one on the entire block. so as i was texting i heard his foot steps come closer and closer so i walked faster and decided to call ml. scared shitless i was telling ml what was happening in viet. i heard his foot steps getting louder so i looked back and he started mumbling something to me. he was walking like he was drunk, mind you it was dark, chilly and he was wearing dark clothes. ml told me to cross the street but the other side had no side walk but told me to cross anyways so i did. looking back to "see" if there was any "cars" he was also slowly crossing the street as i did. that's when i told ml i'm going to go so i could call my brother. when he picked up i felt a sigh of relief but at the same time was hoping he was home which he was. from the very beginning i spoke to him in viet saying his viet name and everything. i told him that i was near the stop sign and i heard him say loudly to someone in a worried rushed voice "some guy's following my sister!" i heard him quickly rushing out but my phone was dying and it went silent. as i was walked towards my house i looked back so i could cross back to the other side, the creeper also crossed back. i then was turning the corner curb, started walking towards my house and saw my brother rushing out of the drive way with his girlfriend in a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. i knew i was then safe and i still looked back to see where the guy was and i didn't see him. he had slowed down. as i came closer and closer to my brother and his gf, i told them what happened and asked if they saw him walked by cause close to the turn he slowed down alot. his gf didn't see the creepy guy but my brother saw him walking by. it was the first creepy experience i felt walking home. his gf told me to be careful and not to walk home aline so late. after that i kind of felt a missing piece falling back into place. even though i have my days with my brother where we'd bitch or be a bitch or deadly fight, he still had my back and i still have his. just like when we were much younger. we always had each others back, if one gets beatings the other would too. same with his gf, we have our days but we still watch out for each other and have each others back. it's funny how things work but i call it family, i call it love. the meaning for me was lost, i focused it on something differently because i started looking for love in a person. i end up getting hurt or fucking myself over but, although my family is messed up and apart we still love, care, worry, watch out for one another. at the end of everyday we still have each other even if we don't make the best decisions or show it. at the end of the day it's home where i'm back at. my family's my home, my family's my heart..

- p.s rest in peace grandpa.

FIVE

it's been awhile since we last got along so well, tuesday was it? we even got to hang out with your cousin. i still know what i want but you're doing a good job of trying to make me let go and lose sight of us. i'm not saying that i don't feel anything for you because i know i do. i can't say that i'm done because i'm not. what i feel i wish i can throw it all away for you, to please you, give you what you want. thing is i just can't, i feel that i should be hating you for being rude and accept that you're trying to push me away but i can't, i still like you. i guess it's just the way i am or maybe you've had me from the start. i've lost so much trust and closed myself to everyone around me due to the one before. i've hid myself from everyone and started doing my own thing. hanging with other people from other places, running to get away until i met you again. but the point is that i opened up to you, trusted you so quickly, fell for you and dropped my guard for you. every time i was with you i felt safe and happy. after her, i was ruthless, careless and heartless to everyone and my surroundings but you changed that. you were the first person i've ever liked that i was so gentlemen-like to. opening doors, holding doors, pick you up and drive you to school. Even little things like waiting for you when you'd be locking the door or gave you a hand to pick you up when you'd sit on the ground to insisting to hold (your) stuff or insisting anything in general. you were different, i loved it. they way we were, the way i felt. i didn't mind anything, i don't feel you took advantage of my kindness but at the same time i knew i shouldn't have opened up to you but i did, watched myself falling to only get hurt. i remember writing a song for you "if you ask me to catch you when you falling it gone be a yes" it always flashes back to when i caught you when you fell the day of your cousin's birthday. sigh i guess it's all just a memory now huh? i'm thankful that you were there for me and that you cared to listen and help me with the troubles i had. i always thought you never cared and wanted you to show me that you did but i you did. my head wasn't screwed on tight to see that. sometimes you are just really strong and independent and don't show it but you'd hint me. i wish i can talk to you and tell you whatever is on my mind again but it's just not that simple no more. i feel weary every time we talk, things always end up as fights and arguments. i don't want this, i want the old us. i wish we could start all over again. you might not regret much but i do. this is not what i intended things to be. i was insecure but every time we're together you make me feel that you weren't going anywhere. i miss how much you cared or somewhat showed it. remember when i used to be insecure and you'd ask me if i trust you? i said yes and you'd say "then they shouldn't matter." now i feel so empty. i don't want to say i'm heart broken but it's just really sad to see how we are now. who know's what i'm feeling is called. emptiness, lonely, distanced, sad heck maybe it is broken. when i read something you write i gasp for breath cause it hurts. you don't even want to talk to me or nothing. i'm feeling hurt everywhere i go, whoever i may be with. from zoning out to leaving the room to sitting there feeling the tears building up. i don't want this but i can't have what i want so what do i do? it's obvious you don't feel the same no more. i just don't know what to do anymore, once again i'm running away. i can't handle it, you want your space and for me to leave you alone so i'm going v-city. the things i been doing lately haven't showed you anything? do you even know how i been lately? no you don't, i'm always thinking about you, about us. i haven't been doing much to get you back because it seems like you don't even care no more, like you don't want it. if i tried you'd probably get more upset and mad thus i feel like i shouldn't try no more. don't get me wrong. if i let this go, i'll be able to do what you want which is to leave you alone and fuck off. but it doesn't mean my feelings for you is dead or gone..